In a fatal turn of events (at the very least for the entire aboveground groundhog community and possibly for the entire underground culture of groundhog enthusiasts), the once popular bullet-shaped creature of phur saw someone watching him watch his shadow. To the animal, already drowning in a dark emotional whirlpool of uncertainty, this all but guarantees a future full of brusque personal encounters and hard bargains.
Experts surmise that in order to ensure the arrival of a spring season there may soon be an onslaught of unscientific psychological mind games played with the mindless pillar of fear known as Punxsutawney Phil. Possibilities include: a national pronouncement of shadow slaughter, a bouquet of pheromone-doused dandelions (with apology note attached), or a cigar box filled with false teeth. Apparently, such creatures love false teeth.
Witnesses of the event noted that Phil seemed much more aware of his surroundings this year. As opposed to his usual behavior of exhibiting an unimpressive lack of awareness regarding anything but his cast shadow (or lack thereof), Phil stared into the crowd, locking eyes with at least two innocent paparazzi. When Phil spotted a video camera, it took his entire store of mental acuity to deduce that the cord extending from the recorder fed into a nearby van with attached satellite dish, meaning the event was being shown live to the world at large. Not accustomed to such heavy mental lifting, Phil wiped his shaking paw across his brow, took an unsteady step toward his hole, and bit his lower lip. Video shows that Phil either fainted backward into his adobe abode, or feigned the fall to be dramatic. High school friends are strongly convinced of the latter.
Where do we go from here? Despite ruminations of an overhaul of the entire season forecasting system, most agree that the current administration will adopt a wait-and-see strategy. Some are in support of adopting an actual baby groundhog, seeing an opportunity to expand (or contract, depending on the point of view) the public’s iris, shining more light on the evolutionary vitality of the dirt-running species and shedding less light on their shadows. In any event, one thing is certain; Phil has undoubtedly pulled out his collection of cutting-wrist 90’s music and is preparing for a season of change.
