Saturday, October 16, 2010

Richard A.Rodriguez asks to have his name changed to Poor Rod

In a tearful postgame news conference, the University of Michigan’s head football coach - formerly known as Rich Rod - announced his intent to henceforth be referred to as Poor Rod. Citing frustration with his team’s defensive sievery, Poor claimed he now no longer deserves such a well-endowed first name.

P. Rod intends to make the designation formal at the Washtenaw County courthouse on Monday, Oct. 18th and will keep the name until “the goddamned cicadas stop clapping their ass-cheeks together in the secondary and come up with either a tackle or at least a picture of a tackle.”

Poor is not without resources for this transformation. He has adopted Chad OchoCinco as his name-change mentor and is having his personal assistant steal a copy of Rich Dad, Poor Dad for him from a gougingly overpriced local bookstore: Ulrich’s. Poor is planning on releasing a collection of motivational locker room speeches in a podcast titled XOXO: Hugs and Kisses between the Tackles.

Poor has so obviously experienced an emotional earthquake that some close friends and family members are concerned with his mental and structural integrity. In a complete misunderstanding of the concepts of reparation and organ donation, Poor wants to begin tithing by donating 15% of his sperm to Scientology.

The name change announcement has sparked a flurry of activity in the pigskin pigpen. Tony Romo has proposed a three-way trade with Dr. House and Lil’ Romeo to become Dr. Tony Romeo. Eli Manning has changed his first name to Payton. Carl Weathers wants to get into football and then change his name to Thunderhead Weathers.

As our nation awaits the next racy sext from Brett Far<3 (sp?) to quell our current unrest, it might help us all to recall a quote from Shakespeare:
A rose by any other name… could be the vehicle by which the current mass of thorny football fans is driven to sweet release. Unfortunately, that vehicle is inevitably powered by the limited resource Winning Percentage; a resource as hard to find in Ann Arbor as a clean place to get a sex change. Just ask Poor Rod.

No comments:

Post a Comment