Saturday, February 22, 2014

Paleo, Bro

You’ve heard of it, your mom is on it, and your Grandma dated the caveman who started it. The Paleo Diet was the #1 most Googled diet of 2013. On it, you can’t eat processed foods, dairy, or anything that proliferated after the Agricultural era. That means no grains, beans, or froyo bro. What you can eat, however, is shit-tons of animal flesh, nuts, and healthy fats.

It’s often called the “Caveman Diet.” Cavemen didn’t use quotes, so I’ll put those away for a few sentences. Proponents of Paleo point out that it forces you to pay attention to what you’re eating and that it lowers your blood sugar and you become more sensitive to insulin. Meaning that if you’re on the diet, the next time insulin makes fun of your weight you’re apt to over-react and scream, “Quit living in the past, Insulin!”

Since we all know future is all that matters, I think we should imagine what the world will be if this Paleo trend keeps up:
Moms will start sending their kids recipes via smoke signal. 
The diet becomes so expensive it forces people to start hunting and gathering for their food. Ugh. 
Guys, you will be able to use the excuse that it isn’t lipstick on your collar, it’s lamb’s blood. What you don’t have to tell her is that lamb’s blood was someone else’s lipstick. 
The new way to give up on your life in your teen years is to marry your high-school wheat heart. 
Popular Paleo diets will keep getting more and more ridiculous, going further back into the past. The most popular diet of 2014: the “Natural Selection” Diet. 2015: the “Fish out of Water” Diet. 2016: the “Trilobite, you’ll like it” Diet

I hate calling it the Paleo Diet. If we’re going to be completely accurate, it should be called the “Diet Consisting of Foods that were Available to our Ancestors that didn’t Kill said Ancestors when Consumed.” Otherwise known as “Real Human Food.”
So yeah, I eat Paleo.

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