Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I knew I thought I smelled you

I am getting so sick of this you spineless bastard. Yeah, that’s right you stupid invertebrate, I am going on record claiming that you were conceived out of wedlock. I’ve never had a problem with your kind before, but this has just gone too far.

I’ve given you more than one chance. Admittedly, you gave me about six months to cool off and that was quite kind of you after how things ended. I was just telling some friends last night about our encounter and how much it rattled me. If I were a cage, and you were a swift breeze or a jailed hawk, I would be rattling nonstop. That’s how deep you’ve cut.

At first you were just a bad dream; a Disconsolate Dream I mentioned to those close to me but otherwise chose to keep strapped intimately under my vest. The infectious poison of your existence was meant to be contained only in my head, and not spread from the darkness beneath your oily slithers into more natural and humane lighting.  Yes, I know you were raised in a hole in the ground and probably left to fend for yourself without parental guidance. But that is the byproduct of literally being a bastard and the topic is no longer up for debate.

You attacked me, unprovoked. I was a gentleman, enjoying an active lifestyle and good company, and I absentmindedly let the ball slip into your court. Reaching to get back what was rightfully mine, you exploded from the stacked bushels of my unconscious and into what social psychologists call my “personal space.” What you did was completely unacceptable but at least you knew your role and quickly receded to the hell from which you came. I almost blame myself more than I blame you, because a chance still stands that you are entirely of my creation; an entity of my incisive decisions.

Then, the lull. A full half year (or half full year) passed, you no doubt hibernating and planning the next public display of your sickness. Me, assuming you had been taught a lesson and dispersed of; a diluted pupil.

A huge mistake in reasoning that turned out to be. I fell enmeshed into the web you could never have spun yourself because god-forbid if you can spin webs then we are all doomed! Lying across a beautiful display of nature - showing yourself off like a sparkler on a birthday cake, seemingly winking at me with your rheumy, obsidian eyes - you waited. Weighted like the smashing end of a thrown gavel; the spinning conclusiveness of an impossible 200-year life sentence. Where you have been hidden is now of little importance. What matters now is erasing you completely from my life.


  1. That's what you get for loving a snake. They have underdeveloped amygdalas, meaning their brains can't process love the way human brains can. This can be a great source of frustration for many human-snake relationships. Also, you mentioned the snake may have been conceived out of wedlock. Typically, although snake communities do have highly developed social structures, they do not engage in matrimony and therefore a snake could not be conceived out of wedlock as you mentioned. I would also caution you on calling your snake a bastard, as such inflammatory remarks can arouse a snake’s temper and result in a painful bite. Try saying more positive statements such as “good snake” or “nice snake” or even “smooth snake”. Just because a snake may lack parental guidance doesn’t necessarily mean it is a bastard. Empirical evidence even suggests that snakes can “feel” feelings. I would encourage you and your snake to seek counseling and learn from others who have gone before you



    Snake Man

  2. Ssssnake Man,

    I just have a few scales to shed if you will lend me your ear:

    1) I don't love a snake. I love animal documentaries, comfortable headphones, and muffins, but I do not love snakes. I don't mind most of them, and I respect their "developed social structures," but this one in particular has an unpaid credit card for a heart and a frozen pea for a brain.

    2) I disagree with your assertion that just because there is no marriage in snake society this snake gets to drop the label Bastard.

    3) I will try out "smooth snake" because that will shift his egotistical focus inward giving me a chance to attack.

    4) I assume your hiss is good-natured. Without access to a snake dic (American slang for dictionary) I would guess that "hiss" is like the namaste of the snake community.

  3. First off, I have no idea what a "namaste" is, and secondly, when you insult one snake, you insult all snakes. Snakes have each other's backs. The snake community will forever oppose you. And make no mistake, we will win.

    Multiple bad-natured hisses,
    Snake Man and friends

  4. when will your next post come around? inquiring snakes want to know...