Thursday, November 18, 2010

Why Nudists Love Airports

Airports are hubs for insecurity: you have your wary mothers, jealous lovers, and sexist, unloved guard dogs. It's about to get better, because next-gen airports will be exotic palatial resorts for bare skin expression. Wear your nicest smile, because you're about to get unintentionally naked. YAY! And the TSA agents will be doing all of this without access to my immodest charm and alluring whispers.

Airport security should consider adding a lie detector portion to their invasive eye-brawling. A possible question: "Do you like being naked when fully clothed?" For a nudist, pure pleasure would be evident in their answer. Anyone else who claims they don't like it, they're probab(ly)ing. Word has it there's a genital recognition software that is in development to pair with the new UIA (Underneath It All) system.

It isn't that security will like looking at these photos (though the guard dogs certainly will). For them, this is sure to redefine terrorism - having to graze upon these normally ungazed pastures. Ask Jenn Sturger, Irv Favre, or Brett's mirror; it can be the scariest thing in the world.

It does force terrorists/nudists to start being more creative. With no chance of sneaking a fart onto a plane, let alone any weapon with physical mass, attacks will now either be somatic or psychological. Sharpened dentures and fake nails. Lengthy, annoying diatribes referencing 18th century socioeconomic theory. Bad breath. Harsh opinions. Throw in a few exalted nudists, embarrassed civilians, and thyme, and you have all the necessary ingredients for Disaster Soup.

When scanned, don't brattle anyone's brittle eardrums or revert to childhood tantrum techniques or you just might earn yourself a free physical.
Mandy Simon suffered through a TSA pat down.
I assume most TSA agents aren't doctors, so can you really trust their opinions? The most likely diagnosis: wear less metal, drink more private jet water, and wear more fashionable jeans - you have just earned yourself a spot on the Not-at-all-Fly List.

No comments:

Post a Comment