Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Grind your Own Meat

It isn't uncommon for me to want some red meat once in a blue moon, but it is always rare. Whenever I can, I order as bloody as possible. In this day and age, if you know how to grind your own, you can get places. And I've been a place or two. At least one place, you can't take that away from me.


Ordering Meat
"Can I get medium-rare?"
I try not to order in declarative statements. Or unfinished basements. The waiter looks unimpressed, as if he's seen a half-eaten baby calf order deviled eggs from a silver-backed guerrilla. 
"Oh yes, you can order however you like. We grind our own."

Well said waiter - there is no counter-argument to that. When someone says 'We grind our own' you have nothing to worry about, right? Assuming they are keeping the incest out of the kitchen. And the can of balls well separated from the spices and raw ingredients. And they can ensure you the kooks haven't spit on - or shaken their tenderloins at - your soon-to-be meal.

Ordering Eggies
"How would you like your eggs?" The easy answer is over-hard. My friend Logan always tells me there are really only two options for how to order eggs: Fried or Fertilized. That said, I've never seen Logan unyolk and order anything but salad.

Watermelon, tomato, feta, unbridled passion.
Reading Between the Lines
Order whatever you want, wherever you are. They can always say no. You can nod and say "Yes, I would like that." If they say no again, grind your meat on the table.

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