Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Thinking Off Your Feet

We live in a world full of complex problems. I understand, sometimes it's just too much. Sometimes there is so much pressure to do the right thing that it's hard to breathe. 

For example, what do you do when the pizza delivery cowboy gets an attitude and doesn't take the coupon your daughter made you for "1 Free Hug," and to make matters worse, your daughter is standing right there, watching the awkward exchange?

What coping mechanism should you adopt when you find out moon landings are as fake as Pamela Anderson's double-breasted fur pantsuits?

How do you avoid drive-by cubicle warfare when you've just finished a one hour game of mid-day basketball and you're toting a can of chili for lunch but have no bowl to microwave it in?  Well, that one I can answer.

First, locate two microwave-safe cups. These will be used to heat your chili - in a rapid fashion, quite fortunately for you. Two cups heat faster than one bowl. Because each second you spend away from your shoes is another second an innocent bystander can be sneaker attacked, it is imperative that you plan out this entire sneakquence ahead of time.
Second, take the shoes off in a safe place. There is no reason to assault a co-worker with your rancid sweat scent... unless they have been complaining that you grind far too much pepper for someone who is more sugar than spice. In that case assault away. If you take the more humane route, you're going to need a safe place to do the deed. The safest place, in my opinion, is the dark area under the stairwell.

Third, open your chili. If the can doesn't have a tab with which to unveil its innards, wrap it in as much paper or plastic as politically possible and head for the stairwell. You're going to play crack the can. This step comes third because you wouldn't want to slip on chili juice while disrobing under the stairs. Don't be silly, walk-through the steps in order.
Fourth, pour whatever chili isn't coating the walls of the stairwell into the cups, picking out any pieces of paper you see. Shuffle to the breakroom and pop them in the microwave for a minute... maybe ninety seconds. When you hear a beep, grab the cups and sprint. However, don't forget to apologize to the person that made the mistake of getting coffee while you were in there. You're a person in a hurry, not an asshole in a crackhouse.
Fifth, tilt the chili so the air hits it as you sprint back to your cube. This will minimize the amount of time it takes to cool the chili. When you recover your breath from the sprint and stairs, drink the food like you would a cup of treason: very carefully.
Sixth, put the empty cups into the ankle holes of your shoes. This simple action will effectively staunch the prospect of your getting noticed for being weird for having soggy basketball shoes in your cubicle. :)

1 comment:

  1. I deem you the Chili-Scented Odor-Feeder. Bon apetite on your feet.