Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it

I must seem quite smarmy when I glance over my left shoulder at whoever should be unlucky enough to be shadowing me at the time. This isn’t because I’m cocky, and not because I’m rude, but because most of the calls that have come through to me have been ruefully simplistic. There have been a few instances, however, where the look I cast back is one of horror; where my eyes are spilling treasonous tears; where my mouth is contorted into a scandalous depiction of a bat cave.

I had to make a tough choice between going to see Harry Potter’s latest video adventure and going to eat some brats and burgers at a co-workers house last night. I chose the latter mostly because I love food and because I’ve never been athletic on a broomstick. The cookout was in a housing division so fresh out of the box that it didn’t exist on Google Maps, so I printed the directions out, and consequently left them at work. I found the place anyway; I don’t need a dowsing rod to find water and I don’t need directions to find dead animal meat.

As I was walking by my manager’s office after printing off directions to the cookout (waste of paper!), he called me in and explained for the first time how I ended up in the call center. He basically said “During the interview… you were lied to.” He assured me that this was unintentional and that the position I was hired for was not the same as the one I ended up in. I told him to nevermind the noise and screams, I perform well under torture, and I like it. It was then that I was sprinkled with my daily shower of embarrassment.

Greg: “You don’t have to worry about anybody judging you; we understand you are smart and will pick it up quickly without us pushing you. You might feel a little stretched right now, but just know we have your career in mind and we want to help you achieve your goals.”

Me: “Oh… I haven’t been stretched in awhile.”

Both of us: stunned silence. I glanced awkwardly at the wall, focusing on a spot where the paint looked exactly like all the spots around it. Greg unclasped his hands from his knee and checked something on his computer. I backed slowly out of his office and continued to my desk. Sat down. Placed my hands together with palms facing outward, and stretched.

Getting an eye exam this Saturday, as well as looking at a possible future living arrangement. Going to lunch today to celebrate the grand exit of the guy who is going back to Michigan. Ate a whole box of blueberries for lunch yesterday. I know, I know; what an exciting life.